Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Health benefits for Superheroes

If Hollywood and comics are to be believed, being a superhero appears pretty glamourous. I mean, the superhero always swoops in and saves the girl/guy/small animal at the last minute and all observers want to BE that superhero.

But movies and comics never talk about the hazards, and as real superheroes (without publicists and stylists) we all know that those hazards are plentiful.

For example...

How many of you have fallen into a vat of toxic slime after chasing a supervillain? Euch, that slime is impossible to get off! You'll be finding it in your ears for weeks afterwards. There's only so many times your doctor buys the "I accidentally walked into a vat of slime because I wasn't looking" excuse before he/she starts getting suspicious.

How many of you have had to make emergency visits to the dentist because you've had your teeth punched out in a fight? Whew, the money that comes in from the tooth fairy doesn't even begin to cover those dental fees!

And how many times have you had to rely on fast food for dinner because you've worked late and can't be bothered to make a home cooked meal? We know spandex suits have some stretch to them in case of weight gain, but even spandex suits have their limits! And take it from us: nothing is more embarrassing than having your spandex suit rip as you're scaling a building. Whew, we're still trying to live that one down.

We don't even have laser vision to help us cook eggs!

The League of Extraordinary Penpals is there to help. In addition to creating a community where you can talk openly about the dirty consequences of saving the world, we're also looking at how we can provide health benefits* for those times when you fall into toxic goo or need a fifth false tooth. Rest assured, Sushi and the Squirrel are looking out for you! We've got your backs! We want to ensure that you don't end up looking like this:

*For legal purposes, let us make it clear that LEP will not provide real health benefits. We do still encourage you to visit your local doctor and/or dentist for your health needs. But try to keep the superhero thing under wraps, because we've found that admitting you're a superhero in public tends to get you strange looks.

**Big thanks for LEP Member Stupendous Kay for inspiring this post.


  1. Thank you for this public service announcement. I had to learn the hard way that spandex, although stretchy, WILL rip. That's a very unconventional way to scare off a supervillian...but it does work. When Return to Sender saw my billious fat rolls and my grannie panties (hey it was laundry day!) showing out from under the gigantic rip in the buttocks of my suit, he melted like the Wicked Witch of the West in "The Wizard of Oz". Unfortunally so did the Postmaster. Shhh! Don't tell anyone! It's a secret government cover-up b/c if more people knew about this power they would be melting postmasters across the globe! It's an epidemic people and thank GOD someone had the decency to stand up and let the world know that spandex will RIP!!!

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