Dear Fancypants: Facebook and Penpalling

Welcome to Dear Fancypants, an advice column on penpals and other philatelic things. To submit a question, contact cpt.fancypants@kimmiedearest.com.

Dear Fancypants,

I have recently restarted penpalling after a long hiatus, but I'm struggling to establish good reliable penpals.

At the start of this year I joined a couple of groups for penpals-- mostly on Facebook, because all the other sites attracted a strange crowd that either wanted money or pictures-- but I digress.

I found a particularly active group on Facebook (not LEP), but there are several things that bother me and I don't know if they should.  The moderators engage in a lot of drama and there's a lot of name calling and deleting of posts. I feel that it takes away from the experience of penpals. This censorship also results in being blocked if anything is said.

I have been unsuccessful in finding penpals in this group; I have sent dozens of intro letters and only gotten one or two back. The only reason I stay in this group is because at least I can participate in swaps and things like that.

I don't feel that my letters are boring or offensive but somehow I just haven't found good matches. I am here with adorable stationery and a million ideas in my head but no one to send them to.

I hear all these success stories of penpals but I'm beginning to think they are a fictional world!

Do you have any tips/ideas? Should I continue with this Facebook group?

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Unmatched Penpal :)

---

Dear Unmatched Penpal,

Your time is too precious.

There are so many amazing things to be done and experienced in this world, and I doubt that dealing with a bunch of probably shitty and unproductive drama on a Facebook group is on your bucket list.

I'm nonmonogamous and polyamorous and don't believe that there is One Magic Partner that can fulfill my every single need. What the hell does this have to do with your question? Well, it sounds like this Facebook group fulfills a certain need, but you want it to fulfill all your mail-related needs and it's just not going to do that. You say that you stay in this Facebook group because at least you can participate in swaps. If those swaps are fulfilling for you and there are parts of the group that enrich your life, take those things and leave the rest.

Of course, when a large number of diverse people congregate in one space, there's bound to be misunderstanding and 'drama' sometimes. Not everything can be goodness and light 100% of the time. This is why Facebook notifications can be turned off and your newsfeed curated. Maybe you only want to check in to this group when you are in the mood for joining a swap and don't need to see the group's posts on your newsfeed alongside pictures from your grandma's 90th birthday. Tailor your Facebook experience to fit the kind of relationship you want with this group. Set your expectations and boundaries and relate with this group accordingly.

If you really don't want or need this unnecessary negative energy in your life, walk away. There are other groups and places to find penpals. You can start with this little post I wrote on where to find penpals. Perhaps you'll find a group that better meshes with what you're looking for, or better matches penpals for you, or gives you more of an opportunity to pair up with someone who is definitely looking to write and isn't already overwhelmed with correspondents.

And remember: penpalling is building a relationship through paper and pen. I often find my letter writing relationships are better served by getting the hell off Facebook.

I'll be following up later in the month with a separate post on how to better your success rate with finding penpal matches, and I'll update this post with that link. In the meantime...

Be Brave and Be Honest.

xoxo
Captain Fancypants

Dear Fancypants: Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, Please

Welcome to Dear Fancypants, a monthly advice column on penpals and other philatelic things that runs the first week of the month. To submit a question, contact cpt.fancypants@kimmiedearest.com.

Dear Fancypants,

Let's face facts: LEPeeps are just more awesome than most people. I'm sure part of it is to do with having "found my tribe", but I don't think that's all. I keep wondering why intimacy seems to spring up so much more easily in my penfriendships than in my other friendships. Is it because 'real' subjects are so much easier to discuss in writing? Is it because I am meeting people within the context of a community, rather than in isolation like elsewhere in life? Do I look for different kinds of 'proof' of meaningful relationships in person? Am I missing stuff in one or the other kinds of relationships, or both?

What I do know is, I wish my day-to-day looked more like LEPland, and I know I'm not the only one. And, of course I wish that people around me were kinder, more truthful, more generous, more dependable, and more thoughtful to me, but I can't change them. However, I can change myself, and I'm just as interested in bringing the spirit of LEP out into the world. So - how can I learn to treat my friends like my penfriends? And how can I find that LEP-style connection in person?

Yours, with postage paid,

Worst Pun Girl x

Dear Worst Pun Girl,

“Friendship,” while a great word and often a great experience, doesn’t quite capture the nuances and emotional attachments and spectrum that non-sexual relationships (or even sexual relationships) take. It’s a word that is used to describe both accord between nations and the bond I have with my long-distance sweetheart whose private bits I sometimes (consensually) touch when we are together. There’s no one true way to be a good friend, but you can be a good person. You’re thinking about the quality of the relationships you surround yourself with, so you’re on the right path.

If you want the people around you to be kinder, more truthful, more generous, more dependable, and more thoughtful to you, be that to them. Set that standard. And then, the important next step: determine your boundaries. If the people you have chosen to be your intimates don’t hold a mutually agreeable standard in return, be okay with letting go and creating space for new friendships to blossom, or letting the nature and expectation of those friendships change. Not everyone is in your world to be An Amazing Dependable Friend Under Any And All Circumstances. Sometimes a friendship will be fleeting, and that’s okay. Sometimes you’ll play the long game, with varying degrees of contact and spurts of BFF-ness, and that’s okay too.

Now to get to the heart of your question, which was “How can I learn to treat my friends like my penfriends? And how can I find that LEP-style connection in person?” You are gaining a higher level of intimacy in your pen friendships because you are more intimate with your pen friends than your non-pen friends. Maybe you are less embarrassed; the delay created by writing / mailing / traveling / delivery gives you space and courage to be vulnerable because there isn’t an immediate reaction to your presentation of self. Thus, your pen friends receive the details of your daily life, of moments not shared of social media, of the inner workings of your brain. You’re in the mood to communicate when you write a letter, as opposed to being beholden to a birthday party or a pub lunch on a day where you really just want to hide in bed. It’s exhausting just to get dressed and get out of the house, and when you’re already tired, you don’t have as much energy and receptiveness to build relationships.

Examine why building relationships via writing letters works for you, and apply those lessons to your non-letter friends. Is it the can-do-anywhere / pick up where you left off aspect of letter writing? Perhaps you can jot down a list of friends that would be up for last-minute no pressure hangouts when the mood strikes you. Surely they’ll be flattered to even be asked, even if they decline. Is letter writing what you prioritize when you have a free spot in your schedule? Set aside some time in your letter reply pile to write a notecard to a friend, even if you saw them last week or haven’t seen them in years. Be the same sort of intimate to your non-letter friends as you are with the pen friends you haven’t met in person yet. Practice being vulnerable to the people you know in person. Open those doors; tear down those walls. What's the worst that could happen? Is it really that bad?

Also consider that your ‘pen friends’ *are* your friends, even if you have yet to meet. It doesn’t make the relationship any less meaningful or valid simply because an in-person meeting hasn’t occurred. Pen friends are probably less of strangers to you than some of the friends you don’t exchange letters with.

And as always, be brave and be honest.

Yours,

Captain Fancypants

Dear Fancypants: Be brave and be honest.

Welcome to Dear Fancypants, a monthly advice column on penpals and other philatelic things. Dear Fancypants will run the first week of the month. To submit a question, contact cpt.fancypants@kimmiedearest.com.

Dear Fancypants,

I am wondering if you could please provide me with a little bit of advice when dealing with a penpal (non-LEP) who seems a tad pushy and seems to have very strict ‘guidelines’ in terms of reply time, letting her know the MINUTE the letter arrives etc. I have received daily messages from her asking when her reply will be posted, even though I had explained that it would take me a month or so to reply due to ‘life’ at the moment. It’s gotten to the point where I feel a panic attack coming on whenever I look at the envelope sitting on my desk and I get stressed when I receive a prod from her. How can I reply nicely that I don’t feel the ‘click’ that I would like with my pals and that I don’t think I can write with her?

The last thing I want to do is upset anyone, but this is a hobby and it shouldn’t be stressing me out, right?

Thanks,

Anxious

Hi, Anxious.

The breakup stage of any relationship is often the one met with most terror-- even if it's the outcome you ultimately want.

Early on in my most recent incarnation of penpalling, a correspondent of mine asked for any advice I could give on non-monogamous and open relationships. I asked my my then-life partner what his advice would be. His response was, "Be brave and be honest." The simplicity of it floored me. Really, this advice can be applied to all sincere relationships. Be brave: have the courage to live the life you want (in this case, one free from things that cause you anxiety that you can control). Be honest: tell your pal you will no longer be writing her. They go together, really: you need bravery to be honest, and honesty if you are to be brave.

There is no way to control what someone else feels, nor would you want to do that, but you can strive to be kind. Send along a notecard to this person. Let her know that, while you've enjoyed writing with her and getting to know her, this will be your last missive because you don't think you're a good fit for her style of penpalling. You'd like to free up space in her life for someone who can respond more often and quicker than you can, and at the moment you need a month in between letters. Use "I" statements. Make it about what *you* need, not what her shortcomings are.

There is no guarantee that her feelings won't be hurt, but you're being honest about what you need and want in life, and you owe that to both of you, as well as your other penpals.

Yours,

Captain Fancypants